Accepting Insanity

A personal essay by Emily Lewis

I am a blue-eyed, flaxen hair, budding violinist. And I am insane. 

By definition, I am insane.

Albert Einstein explained that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I believed him.

I stood outside the stall in the outdated women’s restroom of the church building. The walls painted mustard yellow matching the glowing linoleum. The door was a dark wood, and mirrors placed too high for me to please my vanity.

My mother was quickly annoyed as I tapped my foot endlessly waiting for her to come out. I leaned against the wall like I had seen all the teenage girls do. Only ten years old, I carried myself with the aura of a twenty year old.

“Please mom.” I pleaded. “It’s my biggest dream to play the violin, and you know that.” Actually, it wasn’t. Not until the week before when I had seen in a movie, the most beautiful girl with golden hair, gliding the bow back and forth across the strings producing a mesmerizing melody.  I hadn’t stopped thinking about her and how badly I wanted to be the girl in the flaxen hair.

“I’ll think about it,” she replied. That was protocol—after being of a mother of 30 years she knew not to promise a child anything, even if she was absolutely certain she could fulfill their request. I rolled my eyes ridiculously obvious. This was only the tenth time in the last week I had pleaded my case for violin lessons.

What I didn’t realize then in my adolescent world was the financial hardships facing our family. Two siblings married, one on a mission, one in college, and five kids still at home—each in their own private music lessons or sports teams. I was just adding on another strain on the already too thin family budget.

She dried her hands, squeezed me in for a long hug, hoping I would forget my distant violin star fantasy.

Weeks later, I anticipated the arrival of my brand new violin. I checked the porch on a hourly basis, anxiously waiting to hear the quick rap on the door of the delivery man bestowing upon me my greatest gift. Finally it arrived. I unwrapped each layer of packaging tape and boxes to unearth the most beloved instrument.

I brushed my hands across the soft glossy chestnut wood. Little did I know that years down the road I would invest hours every day with this instrument. It would be a refuge, and a friend, and tool for good, and for learning.

I began logging in more hours with my violin than I did with friends or social events. Six years later, being a violinist fell short of the high school status quo.  Suddenly, that dream of the flaxen hair girl was quickly dimming, until I caught myself up to playing at my age level. My violin instructor enlisted me in a series of Orchestra auditions. I was convinced I would be easily accepted. That year I tried out for the Metropolitan Youth Symphony.  I received my letter of rejection in the mail. Consequently, I wanted to lock up my violin case, and bury myself deep under the covers. 

 But, I knew I was different, and I had to try again. Undaunted, the next year, I tried out for the Oregon Youth Orchestra, and I was cut.

Twice I tried and, twice, I was cut.  According to Einstein, I am insane.

I was done. I wasn’t going to do it anymore. I would just settle for those non-audition orchestras where the only requirement is to breathe and show up to concerts. I was agitated. It stirred so much frustration, but, I retuned the strings, tightened my bow, refocused, and practiced again and again.

These feelings of frustration didn't leave. My disappointment only deepened, until I remembered an old friend, in the Book of Mormon, who lived thousands of years ago. Nephi and I are alike. He was a young teen--just like me--who was commanded by his father to go back thousands of miles to retrieve a set of ancient records that contained his families genealogy, which is now part of the Book of Mormon. Nephi sees it as a task nearly impossible, but with much confidence in Jesus Christ, he knows he can do it. After three attempts, Nephi still failed. He too was insane. Nevertheless, he tried again. He finally reclaims the sacred records that he needs, fulfilling a task commissioned by God. 

I took strength from Nephi. I walked into the audition room, for the third time. This time depending on God like Nephi did. I picked up the bow once more, situated the polished ebony chin rest in its proper position, relaxed my fingers around the curvature of the glossy wood and played. I rejoiced as I played. And found simple beauty in doing what I loved, even if it meant I was insane.

Through my years in life I have come to realize that to be insane means to be successful. Therefore, the opposite of insanity would be failure.

According to Einstein, I am insane.

Because of this, I was accepted into the Oregon Youth Orchestra. I kept my position as first chair violinist for years to follow.

I became a leader, musician, and successor.
I am Emily Lewis, and I will always be insane. ■