A personal essay by Katelyn Brown
The pandemic has brought much confusion and chaos to individuals, but there is also so much more that has come because of it.
After Elder and Sister Christofferson’s devotional in January of 2020, the only thing I could remember was the song they referenced. The recording of the song sung by Sissel, “Slow Down” was played during the devotional and her words stuck in my mind.
In the time of desperate need
When I am thinking not too clearly
A gentle voice does intercede
Slow down, slow down, be still
Be still and wait, on the Spirit of....the Lord
Slow down and hear His vo.......ice
And know that He....is....God
In the time of tribulation
When I'm feeling so unsure
When things are pressing in about me
Comes a gentle voice so still, so pure
Slow down, slow down, be still
Be still and wait, on the Spirit of.......the Lord
Slow down and hear His vo.......ice
And know that He.........is God
And know that He....is...God
(Girard, 1974)
It wasn’t until later in the year that I realized how relevant those words were to my life.
I had just finished talking to my sister about whether we should stay in Provo or go home to our family in Texas. Ever since Brigham Young University announced that classes would be online for the remainder of the semester because of the Covid-19 pandemic, it seemed like Provo turned into a place of chaos with so many people leaving with all of their belongings as fast as they could. I remember walking past Heritage Halls and seeing freshman going in and out of the building, running to their parents’ cars, and stuffing in pillows, pots, and papers. How could they make that decision so quickly?
As I continued to watch people frantically packing and driving away, the weight of the decision pressed against me. Did I need to stay or leave? What would happen if I stayed? What would happen if left? If I stayed, I would have to start looking for a new job in Provo as fast as I could. If I left, I would have to start looking for a job in Texas. If I stayed, I would have an apartment to live in. If I left, I would have to pay for the apartment even though I wouldn’t be living there, but at least I wouldn’t have to move out all my stuff. If I stayed, I would have to buy groceries because I was running out of food in my apartment. If I left, I would have to find a way to get rid of all the food I currently had at my apartment because I wouldn’t be there to eat it. The questions swirled around in my mind, leaving me even more confused about what to do. Right at the moment when I was feeling the most unsure of what to do, I heard my mom’s gentle voice.
I felt the questions immediately dissipate when I heard my mom’s voice over the phone telling me and my sister that we would be home tomorrow. After the call ended, I felt like everything slowed down. I didn’t have to think about the what-ifs anymore. I knew what would happen now. Everything was settled with that one phone call and I felt like I was finally able to still my mind.
I enjoyed the laughter and embraces of my friends with peace and gratefulness for the ability to enjoy their presence, knowing it would be my last day in Provo for a while. I was able to pause and reflect on the bittersweetness of it all when I hugged my best friend goodbye. I felt the reassurance that I knew I could take time and treasure that moment of our last hug.
Since I already knew the plan was to find a job for the summer, as soon as I got home, I opened my laptop and began the search. I took a deep breath as I desperately searched for possible options. Maybe I could work at Amazon? No that’s too far away. What about Walmart? No they don’t need anyone right now. I could be a grocery delivery person maybe? No, I don’t have a car to use for that. Bath and Body Works? Product tester? Baker? No. No. No. The daycare I worked at last summer? Maybe.
My hopes fell a little with each ring of the phone and I became more and more unsure. Ring. Will I have to try again tomorrow? Ring. What if they don’t need me to work there right now? Ring. Maybe they aren’t doing the daycare during the pandemic?
“Hello”
“Hi! This is Katelyn. I worked with you guys last summer and I was wondering if I’d be able to work with you again this summer?”
“Yes, we’d love to have you back! You’ll just have to get your paperwork updated and do another background check. Are you going to be able to do that?”
“Yes! I’m so glad I’ll be able to work with you again! I’ll get working on my paperwork so that I can start work as soon as I can!”
“Ok, sounds good.”
“Thank you! Bye.”
With every word she spoke, my shoulders relaxed and I felt that I was finally able to breathe easily. The regained hope gave me the energy to fly through the paperwork as I filled in each line, then printed and prepped the papers for when I’d go back to work. The last thing on the list was the background check. I scheduled an appointment and headed on my way to the fingerprinting office. I walked in to the shiny office building. The floor was tile with crisp, sharp lines. Everything, from the tiles to the plant in the corner was ordered and in its place. I walked over to the lady with the nicely pressed uniform hoping she would be able to help me straighten out what needed to be fixed. She took one look at the papers I had and all the hope that was built up from the phone call to almost finishing my paperwork had vanished.
I took the papers back and left the orderly world I had been in for only a moment. Phone call after phone call after phone call broke my hope down more and more until I thought there was absolutely nothing left. No one knew what I was supposed to do or where I was supposed to go. The offices that I needed to go to were shut down.
I can’t get my fingerprinting done. I can’t work at the daycare. I won’t earn money this summer. I won’t be able to pay for tuition next year. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know. I don’t know. But I couldn’t take I don’t know for an answer, so I tried the best I could to see through the flow of tears blocking my vision.
I finally decided to do the alternative option of mailing in copies of my license and explaining what needed to be done. I didn’t know if it would work, but I didn’t know what else to do. All that was left to do now was be still and wait.
There was time to slow down and take time for what I had lost focus of in my frantic search for a summer job. I enjoyed playing games with my family in the evenings. I improved my grade in American heritage and ended it with a whole letter grade higher than I had while I was taking the class in Provo. I learned more about God from an online institute class. I enrolled in an online class in the spring. I studied the scriptures more in depth and had more time for spiritual reflection and to listen for the Spirit of the Lord. The more time I had because the pandemic was slowing things down, the more I could slow down, be still and hear His voice.
The end of the summer neared and the paperwork never went through. I didn’t have a job over the summer, but my parents relieved that financial burden by paying for my tuition for the next fall and also by paying for my plane ticket to fly back to Provo.
It seemed as though things were in order until my dad’s positive result came back the week before my sister and I were about to fly back. Our schedule was ruined since we weren’t allowed to fly back until a few weeks later.
The day we got back to Provo, we never seemed to stop moving. We got back to our apartment where all our stuff had been stored, went down the stairs with furniture, up the stairs for more, down the stairs with boxes, up the stairs to clean, down the stairs to the car, then up the stairs with furniture for the new apartment, down the stairs for more, up the stairs with boxes.
Until finally, we could sit still, give our bodies a chance to rest, and allow our heart rates to slow down. In this moment, I had time to reflect on how I didn’t know what would happen during the school year while the pandemic was still in full force, but I could be still and know that He is God and know that He knows what will happen. These thoughts ran through my mind, just like they probably did in the minds of other students in the same apartment complex who were waiting for school to begin, in a city where people were waiting for the pandemic that has caused so much tribulation to come to a close. In spite of this time when I, like so many have felt so unsure about the future, when so many have been unable to think clearly about what their plans will be, and when so many have been in desperate need, we have been given time to slow down, be still, and wait for that gentle voice to intercede.
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