A personal essay by Madeline Kunzler
"For whom I love I chasteneth" (Doctrine and Covenants 95:1)
May 29th, 2020 - Four days after the killing of George Floyd:
“Mom, it was awful….dark. It made me sick.”
“I don’t think I want to see it.”
Dad butts in, “I don’t know what that cop was thinking. I don’t know why people didn’t do something.”
“I don’t know, mom, maybe you should? It’s awful, but I think you should see for yourself what happened.”
Most of my life has been spent in a town with a population of about 2,000 people that is 97% white. In some ways this made me think about race less, but probably made me notice it more; when I read the census for Lyman Wyoming and it says “.7% Pacific Islander, .1% African American, and .1% Asian,” I can guess the exact families and individuals being referred to. When we moved there from Charleston South Carolina, I was in the 2nd grade. The only thing I remember about my first day of school in Lyman is my 7-year-old-self looking around the classroom and asking out-loud, “where are all the black kids”?
Charleston had been different. I had black classmates and neighbors. That didn’t mean I was color-blind; I still remember the exact conversation with a black girl on the bus where I learned a black person and white person could get married. I remember wanting to play with the black baby doll at school but feeling self-conscious about it because I was white. Regardless of my ignorant or misled thoughts and feelings, I had positive relationships with the black people I encountered.
Middle Years: Race in my Academic Life
The first time I thought deeply about race was in my second or third year of college at Brigham Young University – a school owned and operated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or "Mormons". I was exposed to ideas of eurocentrism and systemic racism in my classes and I started to take a deeper look at my life, representation, and stereotypes. I was an English Education major and in several of my classes we had assigned readings about discrimination in the classroom. Race was always discussed in those readings. One day my class was talking about such an assignment, when two girls began arguing. I don’t remember the details, just that it got heated real quick. It got me thinking – why was it that two 7 year old’s on the bus could speak respectfully about race – and not college educated adults? That experience led to the recognition that the last thing most people today want to be labeled as is “racist” and that people who would sincerely seek to understand and improve often ignore racism rather than risk being labeled as such. This serves no one. I don’t think that means we shouldn’t have conversations about race, even if those conversations are complicated or uncomfortable. Sometimes we need to tell our friends, our family, or even ourselves, “it’s awful, but I think you should see for yourself what happened.” I understand the unfairness of people of color having to explain their personal racial experiences, but I feel that when the goal of both parties is mutual understanding and healing – not shaming or intimidation or self-justification - those conversations can prove beneficial.
Current Events: Race and Sociopolitical Platforms
After the recent events of the Black Lives Matter movement, I have been further convinced of the unproductive nature of heated or uncivil discourse. Reconciling my sincere desire for racial equality with the aims of Black Lives Matter has not been easy. While I agree with the slogan in its entirety, my current understanding leaves me perplexed by the organization itself. I have a difficult time trusting it’s motives when managing director Kailee Scales decries disinformation, but removes un-American, anti-nuclear-family, and pro-Marxist statements that were once publicly visible on the BLM website. (Scales and Olivastro) Co-founder Alicia Garza’s partnering with Pro-Communist Chinese Groups has not eased my concern that race can be used as a front for much more complicated political agendas. (Zanotti) In addition, recent “cancel culture” has made it even more difficult to ask sincere questions or propose other solutions to racism. While BLM has shown me that racism is real and unquestionably worth fighting against, I do not necessarily think it has the best approach to solving the problem. Consequently, I do not feel that a reconciliation with the organization is prerequisite to my personal fight against racism. However, I have certainly needed to seek a reconciliation with my religion’s history with race and the racism I have encountered as a student of English literature. While I recognize that not all my readers share my faith, I feel that meaningful parallels can be drawn between my own religious and literary reckoning with racism.
When our Heroes Fall Short: Race, Religion, and Literature
Both religious and scholarly anti-racism advocates have found ways to reconcile the shortcomings and flaws of texts and figures who they would otherwise revere. Lavelle Porter’s conclusion in his article “Should Walt Whitman Be Cancelled?” begins with this statement, "Black artists... talk back to Whitman and talk back to America because they believe that America can choose a better self. As we celebrate the 200th anniversary of Whitman, I hope that we can celebrate him while also telling the truth about his flaws - America's flaws." Whatever our religious affiliation, I think something all serious students and scholars can acknowledge is that no one is above criticism. While it can be hard to admit that my spiritual and literary heroes can be wrong and imperfect, there is so much relief in not feeling the strict need to defend their every word and act. To do so would be to deny their inevitable, and I would like to add – amendable - human weaknesses. Porter’s suggestion for approaching Whitman with a spirit of progress, of candid truth, but also of appreciation, can be summed up by academic and religious leader Bruce C. Hafen's admonition to “love what you criticize”. (Love is Not Blind) This echo’s Latter-Day-Saint scripture wherein the Lord states, “for whom I love I also chasteneth, that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things.” (D&C 95:1) As discussion on race continues, I hope that each individual can remember that criticism is necessary to overcome faults, including racism, but that the greatest growth and healing come when we acknowledge the efforts, the intents, and ultimately the humanity of those we criticize.
My past and recent experiences have taught me that in regards to racism, the values of justice, of goodness, and truth call to us, saying, “This is going to be unpleasant, maybe even awful, but you must see and know and learn for yourself in order to become better.” As individuals and intellectuals, I think it is useful to remember that some of the most difficult and humbling experiences often prepare us for the most growth and healing. We must be willing to acknowledge personal and historical mistakes to grow from childlike ignorance to God-like intelligence and compassion. I’m still grateful for the little girl on the bus that showed me forgiveness and friendship despite my offensive ignorance. I hope that we can all extend that same mercy and humility as we simultaneously challenge ourselves and others to be better.
Photo Credits:
Cover Photo - National Science Foundation, Where Discoveries Begin.
Walt Whitman, photograph by Mathew Brady. Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.
Brigham Young in the 1870s. Courtesy LDS Church Historical Department.
I really enjoyed how you used headings to divide up your paper and make it easier to read. One thing that could be beneficial to you is deleting the tabs at the beginning of each paragraph.
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